Becky Saw My Butt (Sir Mix A Lot Style)...

I see myself in the mirror almost daily. I'm aware of what I look like. Mostly. I am cognizant that I need to lose weight and be in better shape.

Is it possible to stop paying attention to the growing size of your derriere? Apparently? Yes. Yes it is. I'm proof of it. I saw myself in the mirror yesterday. No different than any other day... except? The angle. Martin Lawrence came out of my mouth with a loud 'n forceful "DAMN GINA!". I'm not sure what my brain was doing to trick my eyes into not noticing that I had turned into one of "those women". I'm darn-near on the verge of being a waddle woman. Not the pregnant waddle where you toddle around. No, I'm talking about the weeble wabble variety. Except with humans, you might fall down. Any step forward is tricky. With each successful plant of one's foot, it's considered a victory.

Okay maybe I'm not *that* bad. Yet. I'm way too close to shrug off the image that I saw in that mirror though. How did this happen? I mean, I know how it happened. The better question is WHY did I let it happen? Sure I could blame getting divorced and all that comes with it (which is A LOT and multi-layered and overlap'ish). The fact that I am older and it's harder to lose weight. My stupid budget restrictions that prevent me from joining workout facilities, buying home equipment or healthy food for myself. I could've used a "medical excuse that I don't really have" as a crutch of some sort.

I'm not going to though. None of that prevented me from taking a free walk around the block or blowing the dust off of an already-purchased DVD. My budget restrictions didn't mean I had to overdo on the affordable food I was buying to sustain me. Why is "Everything in Moderation" so hard? It's the easiest rule in the world. Yet? Not followed by many. Not followed by me.

Look - I'm not saying anything that millions haven't said before this post. However, I'm putting this out there publicly to help myself. The ole "if I say it out loud where all can hear/see" mode of thinking. Accountability.

I'm not hiding anymore, folks. It's not fair to me nor my kids. I've had enough.

1-31-13 --- Mark it.

Today: 25 minutes of Pilates, 30 minutes on Treadmill, Real breakfast and healthy lunch - check!

I love the start of summer. The pool parties, BBQ's, long drives with the wind whipping through my hair (hopefully tangled with salt and sand) and a healthy tan. Swishy dresses and painted toes. Summer lovin' and starry nights. Yes! Now if that could all happen without the bugs, the wet blanket of southern humidity and scalding heat, it would be perfect!

With all of the kickoff events going on, the summer play lists are full of new tunes. Songs that hope to be THE summer hit of the season. Coupled with the sweet jams from summers past. Days from long ago (or last year) that stir up old feelings each and every year. Those memories slam right up against you. Suddenly you're back in that moment and find yourself twirling your hair and wearing a wistful face.

Yep.

As I get ready to see the ocean for the first time this season, I've been putting together my beach play list. Below are 50+ songs that are covered in summer memories for me. There are many many more that I could've added. Heck - I should've shortened this one, but meh! Some are horribly dated and cheesy, but (to me) many have stood the test of time.

What are your Must! Hear! summer favorites?? Hit me up in the comments. I'm always looking to add new ones. In the meantime, have fun with mine. Yes, you may poke fun at me. S'all good. ;-)

1. “Summertime” - Fresh Prince and DJ Jazzy Jeff
2. “Life is a Highway” - Tom Cochran (original version)
3. “Surfin' Safari” - Beach Boys (or any similar songs from the 60's)
4. “Summer Girls” - LFO
5. “Hot Fun in the Summertime” - Sly and the Family Stone
6. “Beautiful Girls” - Van Halen
7. “Shoop” AND “Expression” - Salt 'n Pepa
8. “Cruisin'” - Smokey Robinson and The Miracles
9. “Poison” - Bell Biv Devoe
10. “I Wanna Sex You Up” – Color Me Badd
11. “Right Here, Right Now” – Jesus Jones
12. “It Ain’t Over ‘Til It’s Over” – Lenny Kravitz
13. “That’s The Way Love Goes” – Janet Jackson
14. “Fantastic Voyage” – Coolio
15. “Tha Crossroads” – Bone Thugs-N-Harmony (yes seriously... I dunno why)
16. “Everything is Everything“ - Lauryn Hill (hell ... that whole album)
17. “MMMBop” – Hanson (What?! Judge me, I don't care.)
18. “Return Of The Mack” – Mark Morrison
19. "If I Had A Million Dollars" - Barenaked Ladies
20. “Lady Marmalade” - Xtina, Pink, Mya, Lil Kim
21. “Hit 'Em Up Style (Oops!)” - Blu Cantrell
22. “Push” - Matchbox Twenty
23. “Yeah!” - Usher, Lil Jon and Ludacris
24. “Beer Run” - Todd Snider
25. “Country Grammar” - Nelly
26. “Say Goodbye” - Dave Matthews (such a sexy song)
27. “Cheers! I'll Drink To That.” - Rihanna
28. “Solitude” - Edwin McCain (not my fave version, studio is better IMHO)
29. “California Love” - 2Pac
30. “Tennessee” - Arrested Development
31. “Set Adrift on Memory Bliss of You (Remix)” - PM Dawn
32. “Freedom '90” - George Michael
33. “Legend of a Cowgirl” - Imani Coppola (many don't know this one - click here)
34. “Senorita” - Justin Timberlake
35. “Jump Around” - House of Pain
36. “You and I” - Lady Gaga
37. “Back to Life (extended remix)” - Soul II Soul
38. “Ice Ice Baby” - Vanilla Ice
39. “Hard to Handle'” - Black Crowes
40. “Santaria" - Sublime
41. “Would” - Alice in Chains
42. “Work It” - Missy Elliot (because yeeeah)
43. “Girl You Know It's True (remix)” - Milli Vanilla (I LOVE this mix. Gotta give it a minute to get going. One of those you let play in the background)
44. “Plush” - Stone Temple Pilot (see also: Wicked Garden and Vasoline)
45. “Return to Innocence” - Enigma (open highway, hair in the wind)
46. “Two Occasions” - The Deele
47. “Basket Case” - Greenday
48. “No Diggity” - Blackstreet
49. “My Prerogative” - Bobby Brown
50. "Red Solo Cup" - Toby Keith
51. "Low" Flo Rida (Feat. T-Pain)
52. "It Takes Two" - Rob Base & DJ E Z Rock (oh yes I did... the song that will never die!)
53. “Any Jimmy Buffet”

Looking back... (Days 23 thru 29)

Huh?

Whaa...??

*wipes drool from chin*

Oh! Sorry. I just woke up from a long Indian summer's nap.  That turkey gets me every year.  ;-) 

While I may not have written over the last eight days, I have continued forth in my Operation Eleanor journey.  I've "crossed off" a few more items from my mental shelf.  Funny... I feel incredibly raw and unsure about a few of them.  Which is why I am not listing them here.  Yet, anyway.  Maybe after the dust settles and a few "scab" over.

Though my tales may not be grand and full of jaw-dropping "you did WHAT?!" when it comes to facing my fears, face them I did.  I shone a burning, bright light on those little burdens of mine. Today, for I can only speak about today, I no longer feel like a rumbling volcano about to erupt.

Because I was close, dear one.  I've lost so much of myself these past few years. Wandering aimlessly day in and day out.  Eleanor gave me a starting point.  Proving to myself that I can do it.  Confidence that I can continue to do it.

For I gave myself a fearsfusion.  Removed some of the concrete from my blood stream so that I could live my life a little better.  With gratitude and grace, I can energetically move into 2012 knowing that it can be a better year.  I can make that happen.  Circumstance nor any other consequence nor person can get in the way of that.  Unless I let them.

And?  I may fall.  If this month has proven anything, it has shown I know how to get back up.

I should note, I hadn't re-read any of my entries while doing Operation Eleanor.  I wanted to allow those words to sit and then ponder my progress at the end. 

As I've look back over these last 30 days,  I feel mostly satisfied.  I didn't get a lot of the closure I need (well I think I need?), but the fact that I addressed any of it at all is a big deal for me.  For that, I am glad.  At least it's out there and not swimming in my head.   

I would be remiss if I didn't extend a huge THANK YOU to Megan Hook.  The great mind that created this challenge.  Just look at what she did over Thanksgiving!! The Universe owes this kid a solid.  I know I do.

If you feel that you want to tidy up your innards and rid the weight of mentally shelved boxes, take this challenge.  You don't have to do it on a blog for 30 days.  Just as long as YOU know.  It's your mental shelf/closet/McMansion of fears that you've been avoiding.  Alleviate just one thing.  Just one.  Start there and see where it leads you.  Ya just might be surprised.  :-)

Change Gonna Come ... Again. (Days 20 - 22)

Disclaimer: I don't know if this will make *any* sense. Pardon my rambling...

I had petered out a bit for Operation Eleanor.  Mentally, I've hit a dark spot inside of my brain space. I don't know if it's because the holidays are coming and it's our 1st disrupted holiday schedule? Or if fear-facing the last couple of weeks caught up with me? Or if my feelings of "not doing enough", "not facing grand enough fears" has driven me away from further pursuit of accomplishment?

Whatever it is, I had lost my desire to face one more thing.

I've been mad at myself about it.  I have issues with follow-through sometimes and I wanted to hit this hard every day.  But maybe that's not the path I was meant to go down. I feel that updating my non-updates are part of the process.  To help me see, as time passes, how I handled this.  To gain insight via reflection. 

Which lead me to where I am in this exact moment.  When pondering why I've hit this wall and concluding that reflection would be to my benefit. The word "reflection" kept nagging at me. Soon, it became clear as to why.

I'm afraid to really look at myself sometimes. 

I don't have the body I used to have.  Things are all out of place.  Boobs used to sit up and over here.  Tummy wasn't all poochy and saggy.  Arms didn't flap in the wind long after I stopped waving. My hands aren't as youthful in appearance.  These are just the surface items. I could write for hours about the changes internally. 

I feel broken and beat up after this last year. Outwardly and inwardly, it shows. I had been afraid to pay much attention to it (to me) because it really blackens my mind space. And I don't know how much more darkness I can take.  So? I avoided it. And it worked for a while. 

Today? I looked.  Really looked.  At me. What I've become and how I got here. I stared at the older looking lady in the mirror with the dull hair and a few wrinkles.  The out of shape body and bad clothes.  The vacant eyes and smileless face. And so pale... so very pale.

I am so horribly embarrassed to even write that.  My eyes are stinging with tears.  Yet I am putting it out here as something I faced.  I recognize and acknowledge these things about myself.  And? It's up to me to fix me. I can't fix me if I'm not honest with myself.  Admit that I need to take care of me.  Be kind to myself.  Help myself.  If I don't like what I see, change it.

And apparently, I've been led to start ... yet another ... change. *sigh* 

Let It Go (Day 19)

"It's no bigger than a pebble lying on a gravel road...."

I have a hard time with letting "it" go. Just stuff in general. It's something that I am facing and something that I am working on.  Because most of the time? In the grand scheme of things? "It is smaller than you know."

(Disclaimer: this poor dude isn't the best vocalist, but I love the lyrics of this tune. I hope they speak to you too.)

Accomplished? (Days 17 & 18)

I didn't write anything yesterday because I felt I needed to look back over this month and allow some of my accomplishments to sink it. There have been moments that I haven't felt successful or have felt absolutely silly.  I know when I am facing my own fears, they are mine alone.  It isn't a contest to out-fear someone.  That the accomplishments of others do not affect mine in any way.

But if I am being perfectly honest?  It has.

Some of my fellow Operation Eleanor participants have done a KICK ASS job in getting out there and digging in.  I have, mostly, been incredibly inspired to dig deeper within myself and handle more and more of my own fears. 

But I admit that I feel a bit petty with some of mine. The truth is that some are silly. No need to say "oh no they aren't!!" because I know it's true. My brain built walls and shut off parts of the world for one reason or another and it led to me being fearful in certain circumstances.  All due to my own silliness.

Yet, I have faced many of them. Silly or not, I'm glad for it. It needed to be done. If I make it through the rest of the month? Great. If I don't? I'm glad for what I *have* accomplished.  I needed to take today and remind myself of that. 

Being a Pest (Day 16)

Whenever I have to make follow-up communication on something, I feel like such a pest.  I detest those types that bother the crap out of me when I am working on something.  If it's the first follow-up, I'm usually fine. It's when it hits the 4th, 5th or 6th time that I start dreading it and (most times) allow procrastination and avoidance take over. 

I can't speak of the specifics due to my present situation, but I paid for services.  I expect to receive results from those services.  What I paid for has taken months and still hasn't been completed.  It should've taken a few weeks. 

Being on this journey, I've found my fire and gathered enough gumption to call this service provider and let them know exactly how I felt with their performance.  I advised:

• I am not some file on your desk that you sit your coffee cup on. 
• Kindly, I request you not shove me in a drawer and ignore my requests. 
• Please complete the tasks I paid you for by the end of the month.

There wasn't a need to curse anyone out nor raise my voice.  I didn't come off like an asshole.  And? I made it very clear that just because I was speaking in a calm voice didn't mean I wasn't PISSED.

Because I was. I am. And I fixed it.